update your dang blog

whew! i am wearing my write-lites, knee deep in blog-cogs, patching up leaky prose-hose, coughing on joke-smoke, and trying to get lil' ol' miss blog machine kicking again ...

did you buy that? the real problem is that i am a lazy, uncreative jerk for sometimes MONTHS at a time. my least favorite type of blog post is the "sorry i haven't been updating!" post, because it's extremely unsatisfying to get nothing but "oopsy" when you've been waiting for so long for a new post. with this in mind, i will do my best to make this one more substantial than that.

fig 1. me as a little dude. you: "awwwww ..... !"

do you like that? everyone likes little kid pictures right? is it self-indulgent to assume you will think my own kid picture is cute? reminder: this whole blog is self-indulgent and yet some people still like it! i think that is so cool. you guys are so cool. do you like to read blogs that call you cool? i bet! plus you look really good today.

pictures almost always make a blog post more fun. for this reason, i googled "good pictures" and found this lovely assortment:

fig 2. "good pictures" might be the only search term that doesn't bring up porn.

this blog has been so fun so far. i wonder if my unofficial co-blogger Morgan Freeman has anything to add:

"Ted, your blog has been backed up for quite some time. Was it difficult to squeeze this one out? I know that was lame but I only come here for poop jokes and the topic really doesn't lend itself. Watch THROUGH THE WORMHOLE with me, Morgan Freeman, Wednesday nights at 10pm on the SCIENCE channel. If your bathroom is equipped with televisions, watch while you are ejecting mass from the center of your black hole. tee hee!"




man, that guy can be really weird.

COOKING TIPS, brought to you by ACCIDENT BEAR

this is a special report from ACCIDENT BEAR!!!



ok guys the weather is really warm out there so i wanted to remind you that that means it is GERM SEASON! there are bugs ... everywhere!! bugs spread GERMS, and germs love this hot weather! everything gets totally rotten IMMEDIATELY! i hibernate all winter so all i ever get to see is germ season :-(((((!!!!!

cockroaches walk on anything. i mean there is poop for instance but maybe even worse is just hanging out with the other cockroaches. GROSS! flies are just as gross but they fly around getting germs from EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALWAYS and then they walk around on your watermelon and birthday cakes. can't eat those now. they are contaminated. even though they look fine. ruined.

fig. 1. flies step on everything and have never wiped their feet their whole lives

TIPS to stay in tip-top shape:
• start with food that has no germs: anything that is inert like sand or completely dry like rice or dried leaves or beef jerky
• boil it like crazy: boil vigorously for minutes! i don't know how many minutes is good :-( more is better!! frying is boiling with oil so that works fine too! maybe boil in anything liquid but always watch out for poison!!!
• eat it right away: if it burns your tongue it is burning the germs too. this might be the only way to really know?
• i only eat RAW ANIMALS. OH. MY. GOD.!!!

bugs have no fear or sanity. germs are not even alive but they are tiny monsters that want to poison you anyway. that is too bad, but it is true. please, PLEASE, be careful what you eat.

through the worm's hole

as you may know, i'm on a presumably lifelong and relatively casual quest for an understanding of the origins of the universe based on horrible oversimplifications of modern physics, usually involving grievously inapplicable or inscrutable metaphors (imagine the universe is an 8-dimensional donut, except it doesn't taste good, and it's made out of time). as such, i was eager to tune in to "through the wormhole with Morgan Freeman".

you've got to pay the troll toll to get into the wormhole

the first thing Invictus says when the show comes on is "is there a creator?", to which i replied "Morgan, i already told my t.v.--while you were on it--that i'm not going to see 'bruce almighty'." i'm not exactly sure why I got angry at Morgan Freeman, or why i thought that t.v.s work that way. HD is just so realistic. it looks like, as usual, to understand more about my universe i must understand more about televisions. i thought briefly about how they do work, which of course then inevitably brought me back to my questions regarding the origins of our universe. a vicious circle.

while i was distracted, i am pretty sure Shawshank called me a wormhole. this had the potential to get ugly, but we both managed to stay cool.

Morgan doesn't flip the double bird lightly, and often spends several
 minutes  infusing it with passion before the devastating delivery

Morgan brought on priests who believe in physics, to convince the religious that dudes, science is totally real (even for priests). he brought out physicists who believe in god, but i mean also darth vader, so i'm not sure how valuable that was. then came the guys who believe in just physics, saying stuff like "if god just did it then i just wasted my life doing math! that's impossible." they kind of seemed like toolbags but at least they talked about stuff that gets totally convincing once they break down your will to attempt to comprehend the analogies and just nod and believe them. if you are wondering, the guys who believe in only the mystical were left out until they could find a fucking clue. oh! am i right, Freeman?!

in the next episode they spent a lot of time talking a lot about ways to stretch out your wormhole so as you can imagine I spent a lot of time giggling.

as a special thank you for watching this episode, Morgan came on after the credits to offer this hilarious euphemism:

 "BRB dudes, I've got
 to pass some dark matter
 through this wormhole."






Anyway:
*****
Five stars. Great job!

happy weekend

a poem

my wallet's right theres,
my phone is downstairs,
and i think i saw my cares ...
but i can't remember wheres

happy weekend

new menu items from Notes Café

whoa! we just got a great new tea shipment we think you'll love. here are some new teas for you to enjoy.

New Teas Or is it just a tease?
Irish Breakfast tea
tastes like a boxtie $0

just kidding!! Irish Breakfast Tea #2
who eats boxtie for breakfast?? this is an invigorating blend of tomato, bangers, eggs, baked beans and black and white puddings $0

DOUBLE KIDDING. English breakfast Tea
almost exactly like the Irish, but less sheep, more serious, and doesn't sing when it talks $ zing!

Drunken Red Tea
it's not drunken until you've drunk it. made with vodka instead of water. served cold or hot. makes jokes funnier. $0

can't wait to see you here!

"think" like a native

part of a series on hot tips for doing things well

what do you sound like when you are thinking? in the middle of a conversation, if you have to think for a second, you say something like "umm..." or "uhh...". if you are talking to someone who is not a native English speaker, one of the telltale signs is that they don't properly express "duh." As an accomplished language non-learner* one of the things i look for in a language is how to sound like you are thinking.


En Francais:
the most important thing here is to tighten your lips into as small and as tight of a circle as you can. now everything you say will sound a little bit french. go ahead and try. "baguette", "oui oui mademoiselle". good. to "duh" from here, just say "eh" but with the circle.
advanced technique:
you can stretch these words as long as you have breath in your lungs:

francais	pronunciation	anglais
parce quuuuuuuuuuuuuue ...	parse kuh	becauuuuuuuse ...
maaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis ...	may	buuuuuuuuuuuut ...
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet ...	ay	aaaaaaaaaaand ...

Voila! Tu es TRES Francais!

Norsk:
i haven't quite figured this one out, but i have a couple. the good news is that their "uh" seems to sound just like ours. i've been listening to some norwegian radio, and to my untrained ears, these seem to be good bets.

norsk	pronunciation	engelsk
fordiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ...	fordy	becauuuuuuuse ...
mennnnnnnnnnn uhh ...	men uhh	buuuuuut uhhh ...
og uhhhhhhhhh ...	oh(g) uhh	and uhhhhhhh ...

Ja! Du forstå norsk!

Jamaican:
now this one is fun. 

rasta	pronunciation	english
brrrrr...rrrrop!!	puddin' pop!!	(none)
lord have mercy	lawdamersey	lord, show thy mercy unto us
(abrupt loud horn noises)	(play a horn)	(BWAAAAAAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAAAAAAH)

Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?


now, if you have mastered the ability of letting other people speak and just leading them with a word here and there, you can now use interminable duh's to bait people into finishing your thoughts. then just point at them (in countries where that is an acceptable gesture) and nod like they just read your mind!

enjoy.

* non-language learner qulaifications: i have taken 4 years of high school french, one pimsleur spanish lesson, and about a week's worth of fumbling with various online resources and one physical book trying to learn norwegian. but so far i still only speak english.

nfrh accident report, brought to you by ACCIDENT BEAR

this a special report from ACCIDENT BEAR!!!

LOOK OUT!!!! or the next accident could be yours. please take a seat and take a moment to mind any slippery liquids, flammable items, or sharp objects that might be located nearby. i don't want anybody to get hurt. EVER!

OK, here is the accident report from a reliable source (ABC):

i couldn't watch it! what happened?! these documented accidents are just a small sample of what can happen if you aren't careful. millions upon millions of wild animals are killed each year on America's roads, so i wear a traffic cone on my head! GO AROUND! oh my god. what are you doing to keep safe? how are you still alive?!

stealing traffic cones is illegal, so it can get you into trouble, which is dangerous! i'm just a bear! you can't arrest a bear! people: don't steal. animals: do what you need to do. are you in a car? WATCH OUT! there could be an animal or a person or a person dressed up as an animal or ANYTHING on the road! there won't be an animal dressed as a person! that almost never happens!!

until next time, "OH MY GOD PLEASE BE SAFE."

BUSY BUSY BUSY

GUYS, i have been so busy. "what have you been doing?" oh, nice of you to ask. things are warming up here so life in general is thawing out a bit. there is more to do and more to see. but! this is only a small part of my business (busy-ness?). i have been working on From America With Love. this deserves a new paragraph.

From America With Love is an awesome project started by some of my friends in Gainesville. the goal is to connect people who need stuff in Haiti, with people who have stuff in America or elsewhere. Haiti is still in dire need of a lot of stuff after that earthquake literally and figuratively rocked the country. we have a database that is soon to fill up with a ton of data about needs and offers for Haiti.

SO, if you know anyone who has aid to give to Haiti, or know of any group within Haiti that needs help, let me know so we can get them involved. this is a fully baked project. we are serious guys with serious donations and serious blessings from the Haitian prime minister and other government officials. we are the real deal!

i know only a few people read this thing, so spread the word! i don't have a great link to share, we are still getting things ramped up, but the database is up and ready so i can personally help people get their offers or needs in the system. there will be more news on this as it develops. reach out to me at tgolsen@gmail.com.

major lazer!!! rusko!! sleigh bells! mad decent sound!

i was looking for a place that had links to major lazer, rusko, and sleigh bells so i could try to tell my friends (you guys) about this tour, and specifically about the baltimore stop. these guys are coming to bmore on wednesday night. this is going to be awesome. L☺☺K:


make sure you are paying attention for the last three seconds of this one:

Major Lazer Tour Visuals from Pomp&Clout on Vimeo.

"whoa," i said.

Rusko - Woo Boost from Pomp&Clout on Vimeo.

infinity guitars something something, yeah:

Sleigh Bells: Infinity Guitars from Amplified on Vimeo.

bonus lazers for all you Beyonce fans:


NOW WHY WOULDN'T YOU GO TO THIS SHOW?

Edit:
Q: "because like duh man where is it you havent even said that yet"

A: OH YEAH, go here: mad deets regarding cool show and also regarding getting tickets

top three things you guys just eat up

3. top three lists

2. top five lists

1. top ten lists

you have probably noticed that i formatted this article in the least favorite format in the list. i just couldn't bring myself to target such a boring trend. the internet is full of blogs offering the top five this and the top ten that! hear that, all blogs? you are wearing it out. the magic number is where it's at.

(speaking of taking advantage of easy trends, just put Oprah in your post for some free hits. like this: Oprah Winfrey. Oprah.)

angry letter from notes café

oh boy, here we go.

"Dear Notes from Right Here,
I take issue with the review of my restaurant that you recently posted on your blog spot (or whatever). FIRST OF ALL, the four star scale goes from ONE to four, meaning that the lowest score is ONE, not zero. Where did you learn to be a café critic? I'm not even going to make up a stupid café college and assume that you went to it. I'm not going to do that for you.
There are good things about Notes Café! For instance, our ingredients are mostly organic (Whole Foods is way closer than Safeway), but you didn't see fit to mention anything nice. I don't know why you thought our menu was FUNNY. You are a small minded person. Why don't you just eat somewhere else?
Love,
Ted
P.S. I eat there every day and I am FINE and not buzzed on rotted pearsPPS IS that even possible??!!"

can you believe that guy? i was just kidding around. i will be in there for lunch so i guess then we'll talk this out. by the way .. does he seem a little drunk to you? i think there is something wrong with those pears.

does this look right?

I just heard the most awful news

mercury is in there somewhere

as a loyal oprah fan, you probably already know that the venn diagram that shows all my readers and all of oprah's viewers is a little dot completely inside a much larger circle. it looks like a nasa photo of mercury passing in front of the sun. anyway, all you oprah heads probably already know this, but in case you missed the news:

oprah is retiring

of course, i couldn't find a picture of her frowning, 
so i turned her beautiful smile upside down

in just two short years' time we will have to say: "oprah (the tv show) is dead, long live oprah (the legend)."

Restaurant Review: My Kitchen

0 stars
i have a little bit of a buzz from the partly rancid pear i just ate and that is the ONLY thing liked about this place. crunchy peanut butter on hearty wasa crispbread is a terrible entree. that's a savory cracker, and spreading crunchy peanut butter over its rough surface is a chore. bad decision, guys. we can do better than this. well, let's have a look at the drink menu, then: tap water, tea, or beer. that's actually not a bad selection, and i'll take one of each please, garcon.

for dessert, may i recommend the oatmeal with tap water? it is served room temperature, and if you are lucky i might still have some dried currants or cranberries to jazz it up. in the spirit of jazz, i will now name these delights:


The Notes Cafe 
"Friends gather here"

Appetizers There's an "app'" for that
Practice on a Peach
This delicious appetizer consists entirely of one Bosc pear. It is prepared by ignoring it for several weeks until it gets that perfect tangy flavor and alcohol content. $0

Entrees Entrez-vous for tastes that will make you say "ooh la la"
The Nutty Swede
Crunchy peanut butter on hearty Swedish Wasa crispbread. A delicious treat that is honestly a little hard to eat. Please clean up your own crumbs. $0
Buttery Rice
This rice is enhanced by delicious butter. There might also be some spices or chili powder or whatever to put on it. Oh, and maybe we have beans?* $0
Thai Surprise
Where your server runs to Talay Thai real quick and grabs something. $20

* Please allow an additional hour for the preparation of meals containing rice, and ten hours (overnight soak+2 hours cooking) for meals containing beans.

Soups They're souper, thanks for asking.
What Broth Doth
Your choice of veggie or beef broth. Delicious. $0
Egg Drop Soup
We will drop an egg in the aforementioned broth and swirl it around. Neat. $0

Desserts Sweeten the Deal
It's not Breakfast if you eat it after Dinner
An oatmeal based dessert with oatmeal, water, and dried currants and cranberries.** $0

** Nota bene: It really is better if you eat it before it gets mushy. Yes, I was taught how to "properly" make oatmeal. No, I don't know what is wrong with me.

Drinks moisten your evening
Tap Water
Guaranteed potable by the City of Baltimore $0
Tea
Black, Green, Mint, Red (rooibos), or any combination of these. $0
Beer
Rotating selection. Currently serving Budweiser and Lucky Kat. $0 but i mean if you brought some with you next time it would be cool. i mean you don't have to. but you know.

it's like i'm finally and completely giving a shit now

"brand new day", the new hit single from the fkers:

(picture unrelated)

wow ee wow it's a brand new day
 it's like i'm finally and completely giving a shit now!
even though not everything's going my way
 it's like i'm finally and completely giving a shit now!


whoa yeah i got a lot on my mind
and life has been just a little unkind
but ya strap on your boots
and you make your way
out into the world on this brand new day!

now now now, way way way way weigh
 it's like i'm finally and completely giving a shit now!


(break - 8 measures)


and i've sung about what a gypsy said
but you can't let a gypsy get in your head
you gotta be your own guy
and do your own thing
and hit those gypsies where it stings!

wow ee wow it's a brand new day

 it's like i'm finally and completely giving a shit now!

even though not everything's going my way

 it's like i'm finally and completely giving a shit now!

i know that you can give a shit

and there's nothing particularly wrong with it

if you've been taking shit

or making shit

'tis better to give so start giving it

(slower)

it's like im finally ...

completely ...

giviiiiiiiiiiiiiin' ...

a shit

GOODNIGHT, BALTIMORE! it's been a great show! we're the fkers see ya round!

holy crap you guys where have you been?

i haven't seen you in weeks. where have you been? i'm tired of goofing around and now i'm going to totally post useful things on here. it's like i'm finally and completely giving a shit now! coming right up, a useful restaurant review for your gustatory edification.

from right here

booger city

this is the first episode of a short series called "booger city." it is made by computers!! (i helped)

by the end, the letter g will not look the same

ground gainers gain ground
ground gainers
ground gainers
ground gainers
ground gainers
ground gainers

ground grabbers grab ground
ground grabbers
ground grabbers
ground grabbers
ground grabbers
ground grabbers

ground grabbers grab ground ground gainers gained. gained ground grows green grain. grain grinders grind grabbed ground grown grain. good green grain goes, ground gainers gain ground. ground grabbers grab ground ground gainers gained.

good god.

DORK-o-TRON ACTIVATE

i am thinking of starting a computer repair business called dork-o-tron. here's our ad:



ad with audio after the jump:

10 unique visitors party!

MILESTONE REACHED! i hit ten unique visitors today! as a special thank you, i cordially invite all 10 of you to my 10 unique visitors party this friday night on H street in capitol hill, washington, dc!
a few quick clarifications to prevent the flood of comments that are sure to pour in since this blog is so popular now:

1) no, i'm not rich yet! i've still got a long way to fame and fortune!
2) no, i'm not really 100% sure i have ten unique visitors. it's based on a cookie. so boost my numbers (ego) and clear your cookies between visits!
3) yes, i am repurposing someone else's party! come on guys, what was i really going to do? fly you in or throw a party by myself?!
4) yes, exclamation marks do make things more exciting!

due to a lack of richness, i will be
robbing an atm to pay for drinks

notesfromrighthere gives back: i'd like to say thank you to all the fans who made this minor victory possible. mention this blog post for one free drink on me.*

* cash value of this blog post 1/20th of one cent. terms and conditions may apply.

the awesome mystery of the black hole

[Narrator] Astronomers have held a profound fascination with the enigma of the black hole since Einstein's theories first predicted their existence early in the last century. Nancy is an expert on astronomers:

[Nancy] Astronomers really can not get enough when it comes to black holes. I mean, of all the heavenly shit in the universe, this really is the main thing you can't get them to shut up about.

[Astronomer] They are amazing, and are actually more accurately described by these terms we tend to throw around like "awesome" ... "incredible" ... "immense" ... "fucking sweet" than most things we usually describe with these terms.

[Nancy] Do you see what I mean?

[Astronomer] Take this sandwich, for instance. This bread is made out of wheat, which grows by collecting electromagnetic radiation emitted in the form of visible light by the sun, which was just one of billions of stars that were created in the immense explosion from the formation of the super massive black hole at the center of our galaxy! A black hole made our lunch!

[Nancy] Now, come on. I mean, that is ... I mean that is pretty .. mind-blowing or whatever. But I just think I should get some credit for making your sandwiches.

[Astronomer] Awwww Mommmm!

on the mountain i had time to ponder

skulls of modern man and the
midlothian monster (a great ape)

in the beginning, the big bang exploded out of the thunderclap of two parallel universes slapping against each other (presumably sexually). over great eons, baby universe matured (sexually) and gave birth to life. scandalously, we still do not know for sure who the father is, but zeus, allah, some egyptian gods, and even capital-G God have all been named as suspects by various folks. i think the universe is just blowing smoke up our relatively tiny asses. i mean, "i don't know who your dad is but i am sure that he is a GOD" sounds pretty fishy to me.

humans developed accidentally when a poor deformed great ape was born without jaw muscles larger than modern human thighs. imagine that. this poor crippled ape had to learn how to find soft mushy foods while his disappointed parents were chomping on bones and trees (i guess?). his babies had to be smart, and lucky for them their heads no longer had the burden of supporting monkey strength so they had the skull room for some grey matter.

then yadda yadda yadda, and here we are. and that is the story of how my blog got started!

i have been to the mountain top

this past weekend i went on a journey to the mountain and back, and i learned some things. first, in a town called Accident, you may encounter accident bear. you've all heard of smokey bear, but what about accident bear? auto accidents kill [look up this number] people and [look up this number] bears every single year. we all know that already. but what bear will speak up and really make us want to pay attention to boring stuff like where bears are when we are driving? accident bear, that's who.

one more helpful poster next:

hair comics

HEY! how have you been? did you finish that game? ha, it was a tricky one wasn't it? i figured i would give you some time to finish it, and maybe develop some theories about what lurks in the depths of Loch Aliceanna. but since you have been so patient, i also decided to share this original artwork with you:

Incident at Loch Aliceanna, Part One

I arrived at Thomas's apartment during a party. We ate and drank, and as I talked with with people I started to gather that they were all together for some purpose. Among the attendees were many people with occupations in the field of film production (though this may be expected at the party of a documentary film director), as well as a wilderness expert, a former naval officer, a cryptozoologist, and the adult film star who currently held the world record for "most big gang bang"(sic). Little did I know, these were people that I was to become quite well acquainted with over the coming months.

Thomas was excited about something

It had become apparent that Thomas had not gathered these people by accident, so I approached him and said, "OK, Thom. What gives? Are you planning a documentary?"

"Aren't I always?" Thomas replied, with an expression of barely contained excitement.

"OK, you want me to guess. Based on the expertise of those whom you have gathered, I expect it is a topic in nature or at least to take place in a natural setting," I proposed, in a way reminiscent of "Twentington Questions".

"In nature?" The glint in his eyes was now shining at about 10,000 candle power, "or in super-nature??"

I thought of the cryptozoologist. Could it be?! "You couldn't be ..."

"Yes ...?" he encouraged.

"You won't be mounting the green and steaming seas of Loch Aliceanna, in search of her mythical denizen the Loch Aliceanna monster, will you?!" But of course, he would be. And as it would turn out I'd be going as well.

fun and games

oh no! i have nothing for you today! i want to keep this a fun place so here's a game for you to play. it has one level:

some haircuts i'm considering

number one (status quo):
 

number two (one i used to have):

number three (crazy new look!):
 

what do you think?

pants get loud

one day, i'd like to sit down with a panel of pants designers both bad (noisy pants) and good (hello, "the editor"?!) and discuss the rationale behind different decisions made in pants history. by the way, one indicator of a good pants designer is that they will use the singular "pant". you would think they would know better but it probably just makes them feel like a smarty pant. the MAIN reason i want to sit with this panel is to discuss the merits and issues with noisy nylon or corduroy pants.

until convinced otherwise, i think noisy pants are at best a necessary evil. necessary because c'mon who really wants a world without corduroy pants, and evil because c'mon can you shut those pants up?! imagine you are in a dingy convenience store--one of those ones that seems unnecessarily large--and theres a man--also unnecessarily large--walking up to the check out line slowly but he's going to get there just before you.

this is where here is

i decided to make my first post from my phone at night when i'm tired. that was pretty smart, but i hope to make even better blog decisions from this point on. ANYWAY, the picture is the view from my window. i mean if you look up. the other direction isn't that great.

today i read a ton of old IM logs. that made me a little nostalgic for the old days. SO, the point of all this is to finally note down this helpful reminder in a place where future ted will see it: HEY TED, REMEMBER TO SEND BACK A TIME MACHINE AS SOON AS YOU GET/BUILD ONE. i've left myself a few such notes and even told some of you* to remind me and you apparently didn't**. i somehow knew i wouldn't be able to count on you :-/

here's hoping that guilt trip gets me a time machine.

* my implied future readership

** won't