Wednesday, July 7, 2010


this is a special report from ACCIDENT BEAR!!!

ok guys the weather is really warm out there so i wanted to remind you that that means it is GERM SEASON! there are bugs ... everywhere!! bugs spread GERMS, and germs love this hot weather! everything gets totally rotten IMMEDIATELY! i hibernate all winter so all i ever get to see is germ season :-(((((!!!!!

cockroaches walk on anything. i mean there is poop for instance but maybe even worse is just hanging out with the other cockroaches. GROSS! flies are just as gross but they fly around getting germs from EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALWAYS and then they walk around on your watermelon and birthday cakes. can't eat those now. they are contaminated. even though they look fine. ruined.

fig. 1. flies step on everything and have never wiped their feet their whole lives

TIPS to stay in tip-top shape:
start with food that has no germs: anything that is inert like sand or completely dry like rice or dried leaves or beef jerky
• boil it like crazy: boil vigorously for minutes! i don't know how many minutes is good :-( more is better!! frying is boiling with oil so that works fine too! maybe boil in anything liquid but always watch out for poison!!!
• eat it right away: if it burns your tongue it is burning the germs too. this might be the only way to really know?
• i only eat RAW ANIMALS. OH. MY. GOD.!!!

bugs have no fear or sanity. germs are not even alive but they are tiny monsters that want to poison you anyway. that is too bad, but it is true. please, PLEASE, be careful what you eat.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

through the worm's hole

as you may know, i'm on a presumably lifelong and relatively casual quest for an understanding of the origins of the universe based on horrible oversimplifications of modern physics, usually involving grievously inapplicable or inscrutable metaphors (imagine the universe is an 8-dimensional donut, except it doesn't taste good, and it's made out of time). as such, i was eager to tune in to "through the wormhole with Morgan Freeman".

you've got to pay the troll toll to get into the wormhole

the first thing Invictus says when the show comes on is "is there a creator?", to which i replied "Morgan, i already told my t.v.--while you were on it--that i'm not going to see 'bruce almighty'." i'm not exactly sure why I got angry at Morgan Freeman, or why i thought that t.v.s work that way. HD is just so realistic. it looks like, as usual, to understand more about my universe i must understand more about televisions. i thought briefly about how they do work, which of course then inevitably brought me back to my questions regarding the origins of our universe. a vicious circle.

while i was distracted, i am pretty sure Shawshank called me a wormhole. this had the potential to get ugly, but we both managed to stay cool.

Morgan doesn't flip the double bird lightly, and often spends several
 minutes  infusing it with passion before the devastating delivery

Morgan brought on priests who believe in physics, to convince the religious that dudes, science is totally real (even for priests). he brought out physicists who believe in god, but i mean also darth vader, so i'm not sure how valuable that was. then came the guys who believe in just physics, saying stuff like "if god just did it then i just wasted my life doing math! that's impossible." they kind of seemed like toolbags but at least they talked about stuff that gets totally convincing once they break down your will to attempt to comprehend the analogies and just nod and believe them. if you are wondering, the guys who believe in only the mystical were left out until they could find a fucking clue. oh! am i right, Freeman?!

in the next episode they spent a lot of time talking a lot about ways to stretch out your wormhole so as you can imagine I spent a lot of time giggling.

as a special thank you for watching this episode, Morgan came on after the credits to offer this hilarious euphemism:

 "BRB dudes, I've got
 to pass some dark matter
 through this wormhole."

Five stars. Great job!