MILESTONE REACHED! i hit ten unique visitors today! as a special thank you, i cordially invite all 10 of you to my 10 unique visitors party this friday night on H street in capitol hill, washington, dc!
a few quick clarifications to prevent the flood of comments that are sure to pour in since this blog is so popular now:
1) no, i'm not rich yet! i've still got a long way to fame and fortune!
2) no, i'm not really 100% sure i have ten unique visitors. it's based on a cookie. so boost my numbers (ego) and clear your cookies between visits!
3) yes, i am repurposing someone else's party! come on guys, what was i really going to do? fly you in or throw a party by myself?!
4) yes, exclamation marks do make things more exciting!
[Narrator] Astronomers have held a profound fascination with the enigma of the black hole since Einstein's theories first predicted their existence early in the last century. Nancy is an expert on astronomers:
[Nancy] Astronomers really can not get enough when it comes to black holes. I mean, of all the heavenly shit in the universe, this really is the main thing you can't get them to shut up about.
[Astronomer] They are amazing, and are actually more accurately described by these terms we tend to throw around like "awesome" ... "incredible" ... "immense" ... "fucking sweet" than most things we usually describe with these terms.
[Nancy] Do you see what I mean?
[Astronomer] Take this sandwich, for instance. This bread is made out of wheat, which grows by collecting electromagnetic radiation emitted in the form of visible light by the sun, which was just one of billions of stars that were created in the immense explosion from the formation of the super massive black hole at the center of our galaxy! A black hole made our lunch!
[Nancy] Now, come on. I mean, that is ... I mean that is pretty .. mind-blowing or whatever. But I just think I should get some credit for making your sandwiches.
in the beginning, the big bang exploded out of the thunderclap of two parallel universes slapping against each other (presumably sexually). over great eons, baby universe matured (sexually) and gave birth to life. scandalously, we still do not know for sure who the father is, but zeus, allah, some egyptian gods, and even capital-G God have all been named as suspects by various folks. i think the universe is just blowing smoke up our relatively tiny asses. i mean, "i don't know who your dad is but i am sure that he is a GOD" sounds pretty fishy to me.
humans developed accidentally when a poor deformed great ape was born without jaw muscles larger than modern human thighs. imagine that. this poor crippled ape had to learn how to find soft mushy foods while his disappointed parents were chomping on bones and trees (i guess?). his babies had to be smart, and lucky for them their heads no longer had the burden of supporting monkey strength so they had the skull room for some grey matter.
then yadda yadda yadda, and here we are. and that is the story of how my blog got started!
this past weekend i went on a journey to the mountain and back, and i learned some things. first, in a town called Accident, you may encounter accident bear. you've all heard of smokey bear, but what about accident bear? auto accidents kill [look up this number] people and [look up this number] bears every single year. we all know that already. but what bear will speak up and really make us want to pay attention to boring stuff like where bears are when we are driving? accident bear, that's who.
HEY! how have you been? did you finish that game? ha, it was a tricky one wasn't it? i figured i would give you some time to finish it, and maybe develop some theories about what lurks in the depths of Loch Aliceanna. but since you have been so patient, i also decided to share this original artwork with you:
I arrived at Thomas's apartment during a party. We ate and drank, and as I talked with with people I started to gather that they were all together for some purpose. Among the attendees were many people with occupations in the field of film production (though this may be expected at the party of a documentary film director), as well as a wilderness expert, a former naval officer, a cryptozoologist, and the adult film star who currently held the world record for "most big gang bang"(sic). Little did I know, these were people that I was to become quite well acquainted with over the coming months.
It had become apparent that Thomas had not gathered these people by accident, so I approached him and said, "OK, Thom. What gives? Are you planning a documentary?"
"Aren't I always?" Thomas replied, with an expression of barely contained excitement.
"OK, you want me to guess. Based on the expertise of those whom you have gathered, I expect it is a topic in nature or at least to take place in a natural setting," I proposed, in a way reminiscent of "Twentington Questions".
"In nature?" The glint in his eyes was now shining at about 10,000 candle power, "or in super-nature??"
I thought of the cryptozoologist. Could it be?! "You couldn't be ..."
"Yes ...?" he encouraged.
"You won't be mounting the green and steaming seas of Loch Aliceanna, in search of her mythical denizen the Loch Aliceanna monster, will you?!" But of course, he would be. And as it would turn out I'd be going as well.
one day, i'd like to sit down with a panel of pants designers both bad (noisy pants) and good (hello, "the editor"?!) and discuss the rationale behind different decisions made in pants history. by the way, one indicator of a good pants designer is that they will use the singular "pant". you would think they would know better but it probably just makes them feel like a smarty pant. the MAIN reason i want to sit with this panel is to discuss the merits and issues with noisy nylon or corduroy pants.
until convinced otherwise, i think noisy pants are at best a necessary evil. necessary because c'mon who really wants a world without corduroy pants, and evil because c'mon can you shut those pants up?! imagine you are in a dingy convenience store--one of those ones that seems unnecessarily large--and theres a man--also unnecessarily large--walking up to the check out line slowly but he's going to get there just before you.
i decided to make my first post from my phone at night when i'm tired. that was pretty smart, but i hope to make even better blog decisions from this point on. ANYWAY, the picture is the view from my window. i mean if you look up. the other direction isn't that great.
today i read a ton of old IM logs. that made me a little nostalgic for the old days. SO, the point of all this is to finally note down this helpful reminder in a place where future ted will see it: HEY TED, REMEMBER TO SEND BACK A TIME MACHINE AS SOON AS YOU GET/BUILD ONE. i've left myself a few such notes and even told some of you* to remind me and you apparently didn't**. i somehow knew i wouldn't be able to count on you :-/
here's hoping that guilt trip gets me a time machine.