Tuesday, January 5, 2010

pants get loud

one day, i'd like to sit down with a panel of pants designers both bad (noisy pants) and good (hello, "the editor"?!) and discuss the rationale behind different decisions made in pants history. by the way, one indicator of a good pants designer is that they will use the singular "pant". you would think they would know better but it probably just makes them feel like a smarty pant. the MAIN reason i want to sit with this panel is to discuss the merits and issues with noisy nylon or corduroy pants.
until convinced otherwise, i think noisy pants are at best a necessary evil. necessary because c'mon who really wants a world without corduroy pants, and evil because c'mon can you shut those pants up?! imagine you are in a dingy convenience store--one of those ones that seems unnecessarily large--and theres a man--also unnecessarily large--walking up to the check out line slowly but he's going to get there just before you. he's got a quart of motor oil, a dvd, something requiring a price check, a children's book, and several other items for which there are better purveyors. the worst part though is this plasticky whoosshing zip that whizzes on for seemingly forever during each lumbering step. he drops the dvd, it's a collection of stand-up comedy from one of the blue collar comedy tour guys (before they were cool). as he bends to retrieve it, you struggle to understand what type of pantal friction is generating this winding up whizzzzzzip! accompanying his descent and winding down whuzzzzzzoop! as he ascends. during the ten minutes it takes for him to complete his purchase and move, your hand grows numb holding an icy red bull and your dislike for noisy pants smolders and forges a powerful hatred. as he gathers his things and prepares to move for the door, the muscles in your face contract reflexively against the anticipation of that grating noise that will serve as the soundtrack to his egress.
ok, THANK GOD he's gone. don't you hate noisy pants?! argh! but listen guys, it's not just imaginary buffoons wearing these things. many respectable people have bought pants that where "probably not too loud to be embarrassing". one night i had a terrible dream where i was walking down an alley and noticed two crooks wearing black hats, masks that are just black bands with eye holes, and black and white striped shirts walking ahead of me in the same direction. i hoped they wouldn't turn around and see me, because i looked like a tempting target. my pockets were stuffed to capacity with $100 bills from my previous dream. i hadn't had a dream chance to dream spend it yet. i couldn't turn around since it would make me look scared and vulnerable, so i walked real slow and stuck close to the wall so the long shadow i cast in the street light wouldn't alert them of my presence. just then, the worst happened. my fear had turned my pants into nylon noise pants. several noisy moments later i was as good as mugged.*
noisy pants. wow. hey pant man, what were you thinking?

* if you are curious about this scenario, i got the money from my job as an entertainment director/professional partier on a cruise ship. my sister had been robbed recently and commissioned some thugs to "take some money back from the streets" because "fair is fair". i told her it doesn't work like that, it's actually not fair, and can i please have back the money that they took. she said she had three things to say about that: 1) its a dream, idiot, nothing is supposed to make sense, 2) if you can make money "commissioning thugs" you are officially a genius and deserve the cash (actually a good point), 3) already spent it, bro.

1 comment:

  1. I already spent it bro. But I do know some more thugs we can spook with those noisy pants. You dig?