Thursday, January 13, 2011

Notes from right where?

New year, new rules. First off, I have resolved to amend my "no resolutions" policy to "some resolutions are OK". Then, as soon as that cleared I resolved to start using proper capitalization in my blog. So that's neat. Whoa, I said to me, "proper capitalization"? Yeah, man, I don't mean that I won't still TOTALLY capitalize for emphasis or WHATEVER OTHER PURPOSE SUITS ME from time to time. OK, I can deal with that.

Are you guys still there? Well, guess what? I'm not. Notes From Right Here has moved to right here:

Fig. 1: right here

That's Wall St, NYC. Pretty cool, right?

Friday, October 15, 2010

update your dang blog

whew! i am wearing my write-lites, knee deep in blog-cogs, patching up leaky prose-hose, coughing on joke-smoke, and trying to get lil' ol' miss blog machine kicking again ...

did you buy that? the real problem is that i am a lazy, uncreative jerk for sometimes MONTHS at a time. my least favorite type of blog post is the "sorry i haven't been updating!" post, because it's extremely unsatisfying to get nothing but "oopsy" when you've been waiting for so long for a new post. with this in mind, i will do my best to make this one more substantial than that.

fig 1. me as a little dude. you: "awwwww ..... !"
do you like that? everyone likes little kid pictures right? is it self-indulgent to assume you will think my own kid picture is cute? reminder: this whole blog is self-indulgent and yet some people still like it! i think that is so cool. you guys are so cool. do you like to read blogs that call you cool? i bet! plus you look really good today.

pictures almost always make a blog post more fun. for this reason, i googled "good pictures" and found this lovely assortment:
fig 2. "good pictures" might be the only search term that doesn't bring up porn.

this blog has been so fun so far. i wonder if my unofficial co-blogger Morgan Freeman has anything to add:

"Ted, your blog has been backed up for quite some time. Was it difficult to squeeze this one out? I know that was lame but I only come here for poop jokes and the topic really doesn't lend itself. Watch THROUGH THE WORMHOLE with me, Morgan Freeman, Wednesday nights at 10pm on the SCIENCE channel. If your bathroom is equipped with televisions, watch while you are ejecting mass from the center of your black hole. tee hee!"

man, that guy can be really weird.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


this is a special report from ACCIDENT BEAR!!!

ok guys the weather is really warm out there so i wanted to remind you that that means it is GERM SEASON! there are bugs ... everywhere!! bugs spread GERMS, and germs love this hot weather! everything gets totally rotten IMMEDIATELY! i hibernate all winter so all i ever get to see is germ season :-(((((!!!!!

cockroaches walk on anything. i mean there is poop for instance but maybe even worse is just hanging out with the other cockroaches. GROSS! flies are just as gross but they fly around getting germs from EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALWAYS and then they walk around on your watermelon and birthday cakes. can't eat those now. they are contaminated. even though they look fine. ruined.

fig. 1. flies step on everything and have never wiped their feet their whole lives

TIPS to stay in tip-top shape:
start with food that has no germs: anything that is inert like sand or completely dry like rice or dried leaves or beef jerky
• boil it like crazy: boil vigorously for minutes! i don't know how many minutes is good :-( more is better!! frying is boiling with oil so that works fine too! maybe boil in anything liquid but always watch out for poison!!!
• eat it right away: if it burns your tongue it is burning the germs too. this might be the only way to really know?
• i only eat RAW ANIMALS. OH. MY. GOD.!!!

bugs have no fear or sanity. germs are not even alive but they are tiny monsters that want to poison you anyway. that is too bad, but it is true. please, PLEASE, be careful what you eat.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

through the worm's hole

as you may know, i'm on a presumably lifelong and relatively casual quest for an understanding of the origins of the universe based on horrible oversimplifications of modern physics, usually involving grievously inapplicable or inscrutable metaphors (imagine the universe is an 8-dimensional donut, except it doesn't taste good, and it's made out of time). as such, i was eager to tune in to "through the wormhole with Morgan Freeman".

you've got to pay the troll toll to get into the wormhole

the first thing Invictus says when the show comes on is "is there a creator?", to which i replied "Morgan, i already told my t.v.--while you were on it--that i'm not going to see 'bruce almighty'." i'm not exactly sure why I got angry at Morgan Freeman, or why i thought that t.v.s work that way. HD is just so realistic. it looks like, as usual, to understand more about my universe i must understand more about televisions. i thought briefly about how they do work, which of course then inevitably brought me back to my questions regarding the origins of our universe. a vicious circle.

while i was distracted, i am pretty sure Shawshank called me a wormhole. this had the potential to get ugly, but we both managed to stay cool.

Morgan doesn't flip the double bird lightly, and often spends several
 minutes  infusing it with passion before the devastating delivery

Morgan brought on priests who believe in physics, to convince the religious that dudes, science is totally real (even for priests). he brought out physicists who believe in god, but i mean also darth vader, so i'm not sure how valuable that was. then came the guys who believe in just physics, saying stuff like "if god just did it then i just wasted my life doing math! that's impossible." they kind of seemed like toolbags but at least they talked about stuff that gets totally convincing once they break down your will to attempt to comprehend the analogies and just nod and believe them. if you are wondering, the guys who believe in only the mystical were left out until they could find a fucking clue. oh! am i right, Freeman?!

in the next episode they spent a lot of time talking a lot about ways to stretch out your wormhole so as you can imagine I spent a lot of time giggling.

as a special thank you for watching this episode, Morgan came on after the credits to offer this hilarious euphemism:

 "BRB dudes, I've got
 to pass some dark matter
 through this wormhole."

Five stars. Great job!

Friday, June 18, 2010

happy weekend

a poem

my wallet's right theres,
my phone is downstairs,
and i think i saw my cares ...
but i can't remember wheres

happy weekend

Friday, June 4, 2010

new menu items from Notes Café

whoa! we just got a great new tea shipment we think you'll love. here are some new teas for you to enjoy.

New Teas Or is it just a tease?
Irish Breakfast tea
tastes like a boxtie $0

just kidding!! Irish Breakfast Tea #2
who eats boxtie for breakfast?? this is an invigorating blend of tomato, bangers, eggs, baked beans and black and white puddings $0

DOUBLE KIDDING. English breakfast Tea
almost exactly like the Irish, but less sheep, more serious, and doesn't sing when it talks $ zing!

Drunken Red Tea
it's not drunken until you've drunk it. made with vodka instead of water. served cold or hot. makes jokes funnier. $0

can't wait to see you here!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"think" like a native

part of a series on hot tips for doing things well

what do you sound like when you are thinking? in the middle of a conversation, if you have to think for a second, you say something like "umm..." or "uhh...". if you are talking to someone who is not a native English speaker, one of the telltale signs is that they don't properly express "duh." As an accomplished language non-learner* one of the things i look for in a language is how to sound like you are thinking.

En Francais:
the most important thing here is to tighten your lips into as small and as tight of a circle as you can. now everything you say will sound a little bit french. go ahead and try. "baguette", "oui oui mademoiselle". good. to "duh" from here, just say "eh" but with the circle.
advanced technique:
you can stretch these words as long as you have breath in your lungs:
francaispronunciation anglais
parce quuuuuuuuuuuuuue ... parse kuhbecauuuuuuuse ... 
maaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis ... maybuuuuuuuuuuuut ... 
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet ... ayaaaaaaaaaaand ... 
Voila! Tu es TRES Francais!

i haven't quite figured this one out, but i have a couple. the good news is that their "uh" seems to sound just like ours. i've been listening to some norwegian radio, and to my untrained ears, these seem to be good bets.
norskpronunciation engelsk
fordiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ... fordybecauuuuuuuse ... 
mennnnnnnnnnn uhh ... men uhhbuuuuuut uhhh ... 
og uhhhhhhhhh ... oh(g) uhhand uhhhhhhh ... 
Ja! Du forstÄ norsk!

now this one is fun. 
rastapronunciation english
brrrrr...rrrrop!! puddin' pop!! (none) 
lord have mercy lawdamerseylord, show thy mercy unto us
(abrupt loud horn noises) (play a horn)(BWAAAAAAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAAAAAAH)
Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?

now, if you have mastered the ability of letting other people speak and just leading them with a word here and there, you can now use interminable duh's to bait people into finishing your thoughts. then just point at them (in countries where that is an acceptable gesture) and nod like they just read your mind!


* non-language learner qulaifications: i have taken 4 years of high school french, one pimsleur spanish lesson, and about a week's worth of fumbling with various online resources and one physical book trying to learn norwegian. but so far i still only speak english.