COOKING TIPS, brought to you by ACCIDENT BEAR

this is a special report from ACCIDENT BEAR!!!



ok guys the weather is really warm out there so i wanted to remind you that that means it is GERM SEASON! there are bugs ... everywhere!! bugs spread GERMS, and germs love this hot weather! everything gets totally rotten IMMEDIATELY! i hibernate all winter so all i ever get to see is germ season :-(((((!!!!!

cockroaches walk on anything. i mean there is poop for instance but maybe even worse is just hanging out with the other cockroaches. GROSS! flies are just as gross but they fly around getting germs from EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALWAYS and then they walk around on your watermelon and birthday cakes. can't eat those now. they are contaminated. even though they look fine. ruined.

fig. 1. flies step on everything and have never wiped their feet their whole lives

TIPS to stay in tip-top shape:
• start with food that has no germs: anything that is inert like sand or completely dry like rice or dried leaves or beef jerky
• boil it like crazy: boil vigorously for minutes! i don't know how many minutes is good :-( more is better!! frying is boiling with oil so that works fine too! maybe boil in anything liquid but always watch out for poison!!!
• eat it right away: if it burns your tongue it is burning the germs too. this might be the only way to really know?
• i only eat RAW ANIMALS. OH. MY. GOD.!!!

bugs have no fear or sanity. germs are not even alive but they are tiny monsters that want to poison you anyway. that is too bad, but it is true. please, PLEASE, be careful what you eat.

through the worm's hole

as you may know, i'm on a presumably lifelong and relatively casual quest for an understanding of the origins of the universe based on horrible oversimplifications of modern physics, usually involving grievously inapplicable or inscrutable metaphors (imagine the universe is an 8-dimensional donut, except it doesn't taste good, and it's made out of time). as such, i was eager to tune in to "through the wormhole with Morgan Freeman".

you've got to pay the troll toll to get into the wormhole

the first thing Invictus says when the show comes on is "is there a creator?", to which i replied "Morgan, i already told my t.v.--while you were on it--that i'm not going to see 'bruce almighty'." i'm not exactly sure why I got angry at Morgan Freeman, or why i thought that t.v.s work that way. HD is just so realistic. it looks like, as usual, to understand more about my universe i must understand more about televisions. i thought briefly about how they do work, which of course then inevitably brought me back to my questions regarding the origins of our universe. a vicious circle.

while i was distracted, i am pretty sure Shawshank called me a wormhole. this had the potential to get ugly, but we both managed to stay cool.

Morgan doesn't flip the double bird lightly, and often spends several
 minutes  infusing it with passion before the devastating delivery

Morgan brought on priests who believe in physics, to convince the religious that dudes, science is totally real (even for priests). he brought out physicists who believe in god, but i mean also darth vader, so i'm not sure how valuable that was. then came the guys who believe in just physics, saying stuff like "if god just did it then i just wasted my life doing math! that's impossible." they kind of seemed like toolbags but at least they talked about stuff that gets totally convincing once they break down your will to attempt to comprehend the analogies and just nod and believe them. if you are wondering, the guys who believe in only the mystical were left out until they could find a fucking clue. oh! am i right, Freeman?!

in the next episode they spent a lot of time talking a lot about ways to stretch out your wormhole so as you can imagine I spent a lot of time giggling.

as a special thank you for watching this episode, Morgan came on after the credits to offer this hilarious euphemism:

 "BRB dudes, I've got
 to pass some dark matter
 through this wormhole."






Anyway:
*****
Five stars. Great job!

happy weekend

a poem

my wallet's right theres,
my phone is downstairs,
and i think i saw my cares ...
but i can't remember wheres

happy weekend

new menu items from Notes Café

whoa! we just got a great new tea shipment we think you'll love. here are some new teas for you to enjoy.

New Teas Or is it just a tease?
Irish Breakfast tea
tastes like a boxtie $0

just kidding!! Irish Breakfast Tea #2
who eats boxtie for breakfast?? this is an invigorating blend of tomato, bangers, eggs, baked beans and black and white puddings $0

DOUBLE KIDDING. English breakfast Tea
almost exactly like the Irish, but less sheep, more serious, and doesn't sing when it talks $ zing!

Drunken Red Tea
it's not drunken until you've drunk it. made with vodka instead of water. served cold or hot. makes jokes funnier. $0

can't wait to see you here!

"think" like a native

part of a series on hot tips for doing things well

what do you sound like when you are thinking? in the middle of a conversation, if you have to think for a second, you say something like "umm..." or "uhh...". if you are talking to someone who is not a native English speaker, one of the telltale signs is that they don't properly express "duh." As an accomplished language non-learner* one of the things i look for in a language is how to sound like you are thinking.


En Francais:
the most important thing here is to tighten your lips into as small and as tight of a circle as you can. now everything you say will sound a little bit french. go ahead and try. "baguette", "oui oui mademoiselle". good. to "duh" from here, just say "eh" but with the circle.
advanced technique:
you can stretch these words as long as you have breath in your lungs:

francais	pronunciation	anglais
parce quuuuuuuuuuuuuue ...	parse kuh	becauuuuuuuse ...
maaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis ...	may	buuuuuuuuuuuut ...
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet ...	ay	aaaaaaaaaaand ...

Voila! Tu es TRES Francais!

Norsk:
i haven't quite figured this one out, but i have a couple. the good news is that their "uh" seems to sound just like ours. i've been listening to some norwegian radio, and to my untrained ears, these seem to be good bets.

norsk	pronunciation	engelsk
fordiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ...	fordy	becauuuuuuuse ...
mennnnnnnnnnn uhh ...	men uhh	buuuuuut uhhh ...
og uhhhhhhhhh ...	oh(g) uhh	and uhhhhhhh ...

Ja! Du forstå norsk!

Jamaican:
now this one is fun. 

rasta	pronunciation	english
brrrrr...rrrrop!!	puddin' pop!!	(none)
lord have mercy	lawdamersey	lord, show thy mercy unto us
(abrupt loud horn noises)	(play a horn)	(BWAAAAAAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAAAAAAH)

Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?


now, if you have mastered the ability of letting other people speak and just leading them with a word here and there, you can now use interminable duh's to bait people into finishing your thoughts. then just point at them (in countries where that is an acceptable gesture) and nod like they just read your mind!

enjoy.

* non-language learner qulaifications: i have taken 4 years of high school french, one pimsleur spanish lesson, and about a week's worth of fumbling with various online resources and one physical book trying to learn norwegian. but so far i still only speak english.

nfrh accident report, brought to you by ACCIDENT BEAR

this a special report from ACCIDENT BEAR!!!

LOOK OUT!!!! or the next accident could be yours. please take a seat and take a moment to mind any slippery liquids, flammable items, or sharp objects that might be located nearby. i don't want anybody to get hurt. EVER!

OK, here is the accident report from a reliable source (ABC):

i couldn't watch it! what happened?! these documented accidents are just a small sample of what can happen if you aren't careful. millions upon millions of wild animals are killed each year on America's roads, so i wear a traffic cone on my head! GO AROUND! oh my god. what are you doing to keep safe? how are you still alive?!

stealing traffic cones is illegal, so it can get you into trouble, which is dangerous! i'm just a bear! you can't arrest a bear! people: don't steal. animals: do what you need to do. are you in a car? WATCH OUT! there could be an animal or a person or a person dressed up as an animal or ANYTHING on the road! there won't be an animal dressed as a person! that almost never happens!!

until next time, "OH MY GOD PLEASE BE SAFE."

BUSY BUSY BUSY

GUYS, i have been so busy. "what have you been doing?" oh, nice of you to ask. things are warming up here so life in general is thawing out a bit. there is more to do and more to see. but! this is only a small part of my business (busy-ness?). i have been working on From America With Love. this deserves a new paragraph.

From America With Love is an awesome project started by some of my friends in Gainesville. the goal is to connect people who need stuff in Haiti, with people who have stuff in America or elsewhere. Haiti is still in dire need of a lot of stuff after that earthquake literally and figuratively rocked the country. we have a database that is soon to fill up with a ton of data about needs and offers for Haiti.

SO, if you know anyone who has aid to give to Haiti, or know of any group within Haiti that needs help, let me know so we can get them involved. this is a fully baked project. we are serious guys with serious donations and serious blessings from the Haitian prime minister and other government officials. we are the real deal!

i know only a few people read this thing, so spread the word! i don't have a great link to share, we are still getting things ramped up, but the database is up and ready so i can personally help people get their offers or needs in the system. there will be more news on this as it develops. reach out to me at tgolsen@gmail.com.